To the man, I haven’t met yet,
Power is a strange dynamic. We relinquish it just as we do with nostalgic tastes of our childhood. It passes with astuteness and nonchalance, with regard for nothing but our futures. So much can be said on the topic of power in love, work, life.... The grasp it holds, its potential to lift and crush with passivity and negligence on the very stone in which it’s etched.
I’ve done it again. I relinquished a part of myself I can’t even identify. Something is drifting, but I can’t quite say what it is o whether it's good or bad that it's leaving. There’s a big change coming, I feel it so much more than I’ve ever done before. It’s an itch that I’m finally able to reach. Candidly speaking, I couldn't even tell you how I got to this point, but I'm happy I did, or even what "this point" is.
I think there comes a time at any point in life where the place you’ve been in so long becomes crippling. Whether this is psychological or physical is completely synonymous. There’s been an increasing change in the way I view stagnancy.
I’ve seen everything that has been, is now, and will be in this city, I must get out or I’ll sink.
It’s the invisible golden handcuffs we often put on ourselves. It’s unwavering, gilded, and comfortable, which is all the reason to be scared of it.
I’ve noticed this feeling I can only describe being fear. Because of this fear, I’ve cut out those who don’t serve me anymore. Not because of malice, but for the simple reason of granting myself peace in this transition. I’ve wavered with foggy feelings for as long as I remember. It’s gotten to the point where I crave stability just as much as I run from it. My apt desire for change might mean I’ll have a difficult time accepting stability in a lot of facets of life. This is especially true of relationships or relationships to be or blablahblah--it’s the reason I run from sincerity unless it’s paved with a dash of uncomfortable uncertainty. I crave difficulty in something that should be effortless in a lot of ways. What is this? I can’t say with certainty, ever.
There’s a lot to look forward to life for the first time in a while, I just can’t see that happening here. And that’s ok...The world is calling me. And I mean that in the most minute and humble sense. Actions speak, and at the end, the only person I have to prove anything to is myself, and those who I rely on and vice versa. That’s the beauty of it all. I’ve shifted a lot. The most outwardly apparent is showing the more unsexy part of life on social media. It’s no large feat, but hey, life isn’t particularly sexy all the time and we know this.
Humility is next to Godliness. The last thing I ask for in this life is a fucker who constantly tried to prove something to someone on some overly grandiose scale, especially when that shit is inflated by ego and self-righteousness. I always found sex and sexiness in the petty and monotony of life. I want to see you scarfing down a salami stick at 3 AM in the morning, filling out a ballot or some shit. Something so incredibly human that is borderline lame as hell. Life is pretty standard, no matter the flashy social media lineup. Talent shines through on its own, opportunities come, critique your work till it makes you sick with internal reward or sick then experience the internal reward (both should get you to the right place).
No feeling is final, you just have to keep going. I don’t know with any certainty where or how or when, but that’s the magic in it all. A paradox of choice at its finest. I hope to find not meaning, but a calling beyond what was previously imaginable. Live life unequivocally balanced and deliberately. Dance, get chills and make someone get the chills, watch cinematic masterpieces, surround myself with priceless works of art and architecture, braid hair, fall in love, break hearts, run through busy streets, kiss strangers at bustling nightclubs, buy a sewing machine, call my relatives more often, finally get a solid grasp on German, break bad news unwaveringly, reconnect with a lost soulmate, skate, stick my hand in dry beans at a street market, and maybe finally do a cartwheel.
The truth is, as far as I see it, is that this place is a bubble. People are feeding on the very energy that will make them stay. Something so soft that you find yourself treading through fluff and puffery. I can’t be here for much longer, neither should you...wherever you are.
I'll be leaving the city for a while to reconnect with friends and family abroad. I hope to get some more clarity and perspective. I've been feeling productively impulsive lately. It's a bit like a drug lately and I need to tie a few loose ends while I'm there.
Best,
JCN
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